You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
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