Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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