My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
