your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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