there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
