Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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