He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
