Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
