no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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