i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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