I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
