Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
