Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
