I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
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So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
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That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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