We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
