I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
