I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
