Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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