so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
