bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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