I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
