I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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