I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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