i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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