she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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