my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
