Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Randomize
