I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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