Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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