I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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