I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
