the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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