everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
