Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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