god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
