Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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