Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
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She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
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I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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