Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
