Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
