I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
