Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
