he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
