I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
