1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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