I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
