Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
