fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
