saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
