people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
