Kiss
Puke
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
