in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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