can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
