On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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