Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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