you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
