Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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