oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
