nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
