i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
