Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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