I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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